The Talker…
“Somebody help me; I’m talking and I just… can’t…. stop…!”
Yes, the “Talker”— that person we all know and love… and don’t necessarily like… and are not quite sure what to do with… though there’s a growing sense in your group that “Someone has to do something!” When it comes to working with a person in your group who does not seem to recognize their issue, a stepped approach is really useful.
When it happens the first time or very occasionally, the best thing to do is LISTEN. There’s a lot of reasons people occasionally talk more at length, and most of these are what small groups are for! Ask yourself, “What is this person saying, and what is God speaking to my heart about this?” Stay attentive to the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit!
That said, there is a difference between a pattern of dominating and “pouring out my heart”. Talking becomes a problem when…
The person is seemingly unaware that they are talking far longer than others
The train of thought is wandering or without a clear point
The group’s attention is starting to drift away from the person sharing
The point seems to be domination of attention and/or conversation, not contributing to group process
If your member is oblivious to normal social cues (group members shifting in seats, deep breaths, leader’s polite interruptions to redirect, etc.), and “needing to talk” or “needing attention” is characteristically resistant to this, or even offended by leadership redirects, then you have a problem.
It is your privilege as a leader to help this member of your group to grow in this area! So, start at the beginning…
Level 1: Set the stage!
Be clear: At the beginning of your group state explicitly, “I want us to hear from everyone, so lets share what we have while honoring our time and the input of each other.”
Have a signal: The best way to make it ok to interrupt is simply to say, “I may need to interrupt at some point with a quick hand gesture, and that’s OK— we all need a heads up sometimes, and that’s just part of group life, right?”.
Assign Questions: You may want to kick off discussion points by assigning different people to start the discussion. “Let’s start with Julie, what are your thoughts on that…?”
Level 2: Have a Plan!
Re-assign: If someone does not seem to realize they are talking too long, just have a plan to interrupt gently but firmly with a short, “Joey— Joey? Thanks so much for sharing that, and I’d like us all to hear from others on this, so [Julie], what are your thoughts on this?”
Don’t summarize: You may want to insert a brief summary of what you hear them saying, but this can backfire if they feel the urge to correct you for misrepresenting something they said to the group, restarting the issue.
Level 3: Have a Coffee
Start with grace: Express your love and appreciation for your group member, and your commitment to work in step with what God is doing in their lives! “Joey, I’ve really appreciate [x] about you, and I’m really grateful to God for bringing you here with us!”
Meat in the sandwich: That will likely be perceived as an invitation to talk at length, which you will need to interrupt (because your role is to point them to Jesus, not try to intercept the burden Jesus calls them to cast on Him). Some tactics here can be…
Set up a shared goal: “Joey, we both want to be more like Jesus, we both want to help each other grow, and we both want that to happen in our small group, right?” (If not, that’s a different conversation :)
Name it: “Joey, I love you brother, and if I were you, I’d appreciate a heads up— bro, I’ve noticed you tend to talk a lot longer than anyone else, and that is something I’d like to see if we can work on together...”
Work together: “Joey, we both want to hear from the group, so can we talk for a few minutes about how we can make that happen…?” (e.g., let’s start with a hand signal, then work with me if I need to interrupt you…) Get creative and even humorous with this— whatever it takes to come to a shared plan.
Finish with grace: “Well Joey, I so appreciate this time with you— you’ve helped me grow as a Life Group leader, and I hope this is useful for you as well brother…” Express your appreciation for this person and celebrate that you are both helping each other grow!
Close in Prayer for each other.
Level 4: Reach out
Give it a few weeks: Expect change to take some time— talking is a habit you are now asking them to re-learn. Carry out the plan you set in place, and if they are cooperating with you, AWESOME! If they are not…
Reach out: The good news is that you are not solely responsible for anything that ever happens at any time with anyone in the Life Group. There’s a whole string of people involved here from the person themselves to other members in your life group to church staff to the senior pastor and on… and all this is under the sovereignty of God Almighty! So relax; just play your part faithfully, and if you need to reach out to the church on it, PLEASE do that.